|
The Stella’s are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. (Job security, am I right, reporters?) Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the Ladies Room window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. This year’s favorite could easily be Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand-new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he couldn’t actually do this. (Back to Table of Contents) COURT REPORTING FUNNY by Carol Castillo As the trial progressed throughout the week, witness after witness took the stand to testify. On one particular day during this trial, the feeling in the courtroom was “Let’s get this trial over with.” The court recessed the jury for ten minutes. This gave me and the attorneys time to take a quick bathroom break, water break in the allotted time. For those of you who know me, I’m always in a hurry. I came back to the courtroom to start writing. By that time, the judge had already sat the jury in the box. I came in looking startled to see the jury already sitting in the box, so I just slapped a smile on my face. I then noticed that everyone in the courtroom had a bigger smile with a couple of chuckles. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong until the bailiff pointed out to me that my skirt was stuck inside my panty hose in the rear. Thank God I was wearing colorful undergarments that day! Needless to say, I was the “Belle of the Ball” in this particular trial. by Lisa J. Gretarsson, CSR A. I believe that one lady asked me, or I asked the lady to use her cell phone. I don’t really remember what she looked like. Q. Okay. Was she older or younger? A. She seemed middle-aged. Q. What is middle-aged for us that may be -- A. Like 27. (Back to Table of Contents) APPLE ANNOUNCES NEW SCRATCH-N-SNIFF COMPUTERS In a related story, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced that Microsoft has begun work on its new “Windows PU” operating system, but maintains that this has nothing to do with Apple’s new product. “Give me a break!” said Gates. “Windows PU has been on the drawing board since early this morning!” (NOTE TO THE HUMOR-IMPAIRED: This is a parody. It isn’t real. Please don’t contact Apple Computer or Microsoft about the PUMac or PU windows.) (Back to Table of Contents) Why are they called “apartments,” when they’re all stuck together? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it? Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? (Back to Table of Contents)
(Back to Table of Contents) | | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||